House Fireheart

And then we’ll figure out the technical difficulty.

I think the important issues can be stated in the “covenant,” leaving any niggly stuff to be explored over time or for “care and feeding” sorts of things, should we wish to create them. We needed more document the first time, as we needed more process, because we were learning a great deal about each other and making sure we were using the same words to mean the same things.

What I’d like to see is a pretty simple statement of our commitment to each other that we can show to new people. I don’t expect them to agree to it or sign off on it (after all, they aren’t parties to it), but if they can’t respect it, they’ll know in advance that we aren’t people they should get involved with. If someone becomes a new SO, develops a serious relationship with one of us, it might be worthwhile to work out such a written commitment with that person (if he or she wants one).
Because we’re like that, we’d probably still have the exposition stuff that goes into greater detail about why some things are as they are, how we arrived at our agreements - but that isn’t “required reading” or anything. It’s just there for those who are interested in reading it.

I think it is a good thing to think about our boundaries and expectations. However, the more I live poly, the more I understand that I’m going to be hard-pressed to throw around blanket statements about what I’d be OK with. A lot of it is conditional based on the individual in question. But I’m going to think more about it.

Then again, I think back and the times when we’ve been at our healthiest, poly-wise, has been when we’ve done things like insisted on time between us being a priority (which is one of our core Poly Values) and also just governed ourselves according to the intention that we love each other and still want to be together: everything else fell into place as a result of that.

How about approaching this differently this time? Rather than coming up with our agreements first, we start with our individual needs and boundaries, then their intersection. As new people come into our lives, we could ask them to contribute their individual needs and boundaries, and then work out how they intersect with us, rather than presenting them with a document that seems closed and “done.” What do you think?

As depressed as I’ve been, it would be a bad time to think about starting any new relationships. So why bother rewriting our relationship agreements, which really only kick in when we get involved with someone new?

This may sound silly, but having anything left outdated offends me. That really is part of it.

But really, writing up such things because you’re wanting to get involved with a particular someone NOW is touchier. You’re very likely to unconsciously twist things to favor that person, rather than thinking neutrally.

There are always people Sam is involved with, or on the edges of involvement with. It’s something I try to accept. I knew soon after meeting him that it’s natural, and would always be so. There are now, including someone who he has been involved with, who is still on the “yes” list.
It’s not the case for me—not anymore, anyway. It was at one time, when I was more outgoing, when I had the energy to be.

So one of us, at least, will be neutral. One will be as neutral as he can ever be, which is pretty good, considering.

We have more data now than the last time, having a few more years of experience, observation, and input from others. It can only get better.

Cyn

“Never apologize for showing feeling. When you do so, you apologize for truth.”

– Benjamin Disraeli

Well, folks, here it is. We’re working on another edition in earnest.

I have shared this document with numerous people - some of them have been people I’ve been interested in romantically, some of them have been just curious outsiders, some are poly folk trying to figure out what is important to them.

Nearly all of them have commented on how incredibly complex the document seems, and how daunting it is to sit down to read it.

Yeah, it isn’t sexy writing, it isn’t compelling and persuasive.

And although I want to clarify the document, I have to say that the document itself has been something of a filtering tool.

If you’re interested in a closer relationship with me and you don’t even have time or inclination to read the document, then well, that says something. Yes, it takes time and patience to get through. But it’s worth it in the end.

I have uncovered a lot of potential problems in potential relationships for the future as a result of this document. And I have had a few people get through it no problem and are still there, interested, at the end.

It’s not perfect, much of it is no longer relevant to our current situation, but the document has been very, very good to me. It is a good part of my overall “Slow Poke Poly” thought process.

I look forward to making it even better in days to come.

Wow. We’re at it again.

It’s going to take a while to translate the current version into the wiki. And might I say I really, really hate learning yet another markup language unique to the wiki? Thank you.

But it does make a good collaborative editing tool, so it’s worth the effort.

In general, I just wanted to say that I want to make everything simpler. Yet, as I read this thing again, I’m remembering very vividly why each part was included. I recall the circumstances that arose, for us or those we know, because of the lack of certain explicit agreements. Some things are clear between me and Sam, and we had assumed would be obvious to anyone with two neurons to rub together, but obviously aren’t.

Assumptions cause trouble. Trouble makes hurt. Hurt is not loving. Hence, spelling each thing out, which makes for verbosity.

But surely, there are things that can be made simpler. We don’t have young children now. Childcare and custody concerns are no longer issues for us. My health has become more of an issue. How will those things balance out? I suppose we’ll see.

If you’re into that kind of voyeurism, pull up a screen. You’ll want to check out our original agreement, either all at once or split up in wiki form. Both versions include introductions by Cyn and Sam, which will be updated in the wiki as we rewrite the document.

(We did not include a few private provisos, and will not be publishing them. They remain private. It is to be expected that anyone would have such private agreements.)

Please feel free to comment, and know that we will listen to anything said honestly and respectfully in the same spirit. If we weren’t open to feedback, we wouldn’t be going through this process publicly.

Namaste,
Cyn & Sam